Where Dreams Take Flight


Martian_AnkhV_VerySMWhere will you go when you die? The answer may surprise you. Read SECOND EDEN 




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   Military Vets Looking for a Job?

Ah, Yes... Blonde Is Beautiful




A First Class Blonde

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

 The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde?  I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston."

*   *   *

Blondes Know a Good Deal When They Imagine One

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind...

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

“Helloooo... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.”

Then I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year, that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

“Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for.”

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

*      *      *

A blonde on the river’s edge shouted to a blonde on the opposite side of the river: “How do you get to the other side?”

The blonde across the river yelled back, “You’re already there!”

*      *      *

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive blonde lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

*      *      *

A guy and a blonde were out on a date, ended up at Lovers Lane.

Things are progressing and the guy says,"Wanna go to the backseat?"

"No," the blonde says.

Things get pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. “Wanna go to the backseat?"

"No!" yelled the blonde.

Things get hotter still, the blonde is down to her bra and the guy's
pants are unzipped.

"Do you wanna go to the backseat yet?" asks the befuddled young man guy.

"For the last time, no!" howls the blonde.

Utterly frustrated, the guy demands, "Well, why the hell not?"

"Because I wanna stay up here with you"

*      *      *

Brokeback Blonde

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my under shorts ... so I did.

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

"And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.


*      *      *

Blondes in Computer Sciences? Well... sort of....


*      *      *

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carryingthe mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"  

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

*      *      *

Perhaps the First Male Blonde Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to Jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch”

*      *      *

Blond With No Driver’s License

A blonde is tooling along in her bright red Miata going way past the speed limit when a female police officer, coincidentally another blonde, pulls her over.

“Let me see your license,” the police lady says.

“What’s that,” the clueless blonde asks.

“Your driver’s license,” the officer repeated with annoyance.

Frustrated, the blonde rifles through her glove box, looks back at the officer and shrugs.

“Try your purse, Miss.”

“Well, what’s it look like?”

“You can’t be that stupid,” the irritated cop replies. “It’s that little rectangular thing with your picture on it?”

Moments later the blonde retrieves a small makeup mirror from her purse, looks into it and hands it to the officer, a triumphant look on her pretty face.

The blonde policewoman takes the mirror, looks at it and says, “I guess I’ll have to let you off. I didn’t know you were a police officer.”

*      *      *

For the Irish among us: Happy St Patrick's Day! 3/30/05

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

*      *      *

T.G.I.F. / S.H.I.T.    3/30/05

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday

*      *      *

The Farmer’s Wife 3/30/05

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.


*      *      *

Blonde Astronaut

It was career day at school and the senior class was fortunate to have Neil Armstrong as a guest speaker.

When he was finished with his presentation, he asked if there were any future astronauts in the room.

A blonde in the back raised her hand.

“So, you want to walk on the moon someday, too,” Armstrong said.

“Oh, no,” the blonde enthused. “I’m going to walk on the sun.”

“That might get a little hot,” Mr. Armstrong replied with a puzzled grin.

“Not really,” she said. “I’ll just wait until nighttime.”

*    *    *

A blind man takes a seat at the bar and taps the man next to him on the shoulder. “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?”

An irritated voice answers, “Look, buddy, I’m blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound wrestler and he’s blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man on the other side of you is also blonde. Still wanna tell a blonde joke?”

The blind man fell quiet. Moment passed, and then he said, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to explain it five times.”

*    *    *

Two blondes are walking in the woods when they come across some marks in the ground.

“Oh, look at those deer tracks,” the first one says.

“Those aren’t deer tracks, you dumb blonde,” says the second. “They’re bear tracks.”

“Deer tracks,” argues the first.

“Bear tracks,” responds the second.

Headline in the following day’s paper: “Two blondes killed by train in forest.”


Blondes Have More Fun

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,  "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


More Blonde Humor



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