Where Dreams Take Flight


Martian_AnkhV_VerySMWhere will you go when you die? The answer may surprise you. Read SECOND EDEN 




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   Military Vets Looking for a Job?

Ah, Yes... Blonde Is Beautiful

A Case of Mistaken Identity?

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little turd on your lap."

*     *     *

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. 

So they started crying, turned around and went home.

*     *     *


A cute little  blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts. “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

*     *     *


A blonde is trimming her yard with a WeedWacker and manages to cut the tail off her cat.

Her neighbor comes to help and sees the blonde pick up the cat’s tail along with the cat and head for her car.

“Where are you going?” asks the neighbor.

“Oh, I’m going to Walmart,” the blonde responds.

“Walmart? Why on earth would you go there?”

“Well,” blondie says. “they are the world’s biggest retailer.

*     *     *


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 

She replied in a huff,  “I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

*     *     *

American Geographer

A blonde was bragging to her friend about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.”

Her girl friend says, “OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?”

 The blonde replies, “Oh, that's easy…. It's W.”

*     *     *

The Blonde Super-Astronaut

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” 

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” 

The Blonde said, “So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!” 

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!” said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, “We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!”

*     *     *


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and  landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?'”

*     *     *

Blonde Brainiac

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

eedless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here: 

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.

*     *     *

It’s All About The Dog

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!”

*     *     *


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what “Roe vs. Wade” was about.

Bambi pondered the question, then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

*     *     *

Dog Lovers

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” 

“HELLLOOOOOOO......,” answered the blonde. “They're watch dogs.”

*     *     *


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!” 

*     *     *


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don't do it!!!”

The blonde replies, “Shut up, you're next!”

*     *     *


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed. She pushed her elbow and screamed even more. Then she pushed her knee and howled. She shrieked as she pushed her ankle, tears running down her cheeks. Everywhere she touched made her scream with pain. 

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?”

'Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.” 

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

*     *     *


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, “What's the story?” 

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

*     *     *


A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, then said, “How should I know that’s 200 miles from here.” And she hung up.

“Who was that?” the husband asked.

“I don’t know,” the wife answered. “Just some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

*     *     *


A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right.  I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb-blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already...?” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“Thank you,” the blonde said. “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s an Audi.”

*     *     *

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

And...drum roll, please...

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

*     *     *

A First Class Blonde

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

 The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde?  I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston."

*   *   *

Blondes Know a Good Deal When They Imagine One

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind...

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

“Helloooo... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.”

Then I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year, that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

“Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for.”

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

*      *      *

A blonde on the river’s edge shouted to a blonde on the opposite side of the river: “How do you get to the other side?”

The blonde across the river yelled back, “You’re already there!”

*      *      *

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive blonde lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

*      *      *

A guy and a blonde were out on a date, ended up at Lovers Lane.

Things are progressing and the guy says,"Wanna go to the backseat?"

"No," the blonde says.

Things get pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. “Wanna go to the backseat?"

"No!" yelled the blonde.

Things get hotter still, the blonde is down to her bra and the guy's
pants are unzipped.

"Do you wanna go to the backseat yet?" asks the befuddled young man guy.

"For the last time, no!" howls the blonde.

Utterly frustrated, the guy demands, "Well, why the hell not?"

"Because I wanna stay up here with you"

*      *      *

Brokeback Blonde

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my under shorts ... so I did.

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

"And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.


*      *      *

Blondes in Computer Sciences? Well... sort of....


*      *      *

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carryingthe mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"  

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

*      *      *

Perhaps the First Male Blonde Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to Jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch”

*      *      *

Blond With No Driver’s License

A blonde is tooling along in her bright red Miata going way past the speed limit when a female police officer, coincidentally another blonde, pulls her over.

“Let me see your license,” the police lady says.

“What’s that,” the clueless blonde asks.

“Your driver’s license,” the officer repeated with annoyance.

Frustrated, the blonde rifles through her glove box, looks back at the officer and shrugs.

“Try your purse, Miss.”

“Well, what’s it look like?”

“You can’t be that stupid,” the irritated cop replies. “It’s that little rectangular thing with your picture on it?”

Moments later the blonde retrieves a small makeup mirror from her purse, looks into it and hands it to the officer, a triumphant look on her pretty face.

The blonde policewoman takes the mirror, looks at it and says, “I guess I’ll have to let you off. I didn’t know you were a police officer.”

*      *      *

For the Irish among us: Happy St Patrick's Day! 3/30/05

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

*      *      *

T.G.I.F. / S.H.I.T.    3/30/05

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday

*      *      *

The Farmer’s Wife 3/30/05

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.


*      *      *

Blonde Astronaut

It was career day at school and the senior class was fortunate to have Neil Armstrong as a guest speaker.

When he was finished with his presentation, he asked if there were any future astronauts in the room.

A blonde in the back raised her hand.

“So, you want to walk on the moon someday, too,” Armstrong said.

“Oh, no,” the blonde enthused. “I’m going to walk on the sun.”

“That might get a little hot,” Mr. Armstrong replied with a puzzled grin.

“Not really,” she said. “I’ll just wait until nighttime.”

*    *    *

A blind man takes a seat at the bar and taps the man next to him on the shoulder. “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?”

An irritated voice answers, “Look, buddy, I’m blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound wrestler and he’s blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man on the other side of you is also blonde. Still wanna tell a blonde joke?”

The blind man fell quiet. Moment passed, and then he said, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to explain it five times.”

*    *    *

Two blondes are walking in the woods when they come across some marks in the ground.

“Oh, look at those deer tracks,” the first one says.

“Those aren’t deer tracks, you dumb blonde,” says the second. “They’re bear tracks.”

“Deer tracks,” argues the first.

“Bear tracks,” responds the second.

Headline in the following day’s paper: “Two blondes killed by train in forest.”


Blondes Have More Fun

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,  "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


More Blonde Humor



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